2023 Wrapped : A Fuckass Year, To Say The Least.
Every December, I try to summarize my entire year in written form for the entire world (my friends, mostly) to read, but I never make any progress. And every year, for as long as I can remember, the recurring theme is to live, laugh and love. Except this year. I wanted to fucking die. I was exhausted, I still am.
I speak for a lot of people when I say I had high hopes for this year. I have a very foggy memory, but I thought this was going to be my year. I wanted to explore more career options, go on more dates, go to the beach, and basically enjoy life. So imagine a call waking up on a sunny and hopeful Tuesday morning, mid January and you hear your friend died the previous afternoon. Everyone is calling you and asking you how she died and you’re so confused, you laugh out loud manically and text the allegedly dead friend to debunk the death rumors. In case you’re wondering, she did not. Brain chemistry completely altered. Life is looking seriously bleak. Nothing made sense that Tuesday morning, and nothing ever made sense since.
I tried moving on. I believe I was doing a pretty good job, cause by March, I tried to attend a few classes. Even celebrated my birthday, ish. But like I said, things started to make less sense. I started withdrawing from personal commitments. I quit my job by ghosting my employer. My friends couldn’t reach me. My boyfriend was complaining about me ignoring his texts. I failed second semester (only had Bs but my perfectionism considers that disgraceful). I was losing track of days, i literally couldn’t tell time and I just let life pass me by.
Then more people died, with less connections to me, but they died regardless. It didn’t hurt as much as it did the first time, but it left me baffled. My friend also got robbed, so i had to stop working for a while. I gave up on faith and on life in general. I tried giving up on love as well, cause it didn’t seem wise trying to love people when either of you could just end up dead. But amidst the chaos and the absolute fuck fest 2023 has been, the most recurring themes were love, friendship, loss and mental disorders. Some of these themes look bad, but I’d share a few lessons I have learned.
LOVE, FRIENDSHIP AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN.
Love saved me this year. It held me down and grounded, rubbed my back while I threw up all the content in my intestines, stayed with me till my mother came back from work, held my hand, and most importantly, love bought me food. However, it also blinded me and I overlooked a lot of shit normal people would never take. I think about the fights that happened between me and my partner this year, and I think some of them were absolutely pointless. A few weren’t, and when I needed advice, I’d ask my friends what to do if they were in my shoes. The bad part about having friends who love you is that they’d see things exactly the way you see them. What ticks you off, ticks them off even more. And I don’t think they were picking sides, but it made me realize that a lot of my friends and I think very much alike. And I am grateful that I don’t have to explain myself or what I stand for to them.
Back to my relationship, 2023 wasn’t really the best year for me. I hold myself accountable for a lot of things, but I wish there was a lot more understanding and listening and respect. For the most part, I wasn’t in the right capacity or frame of mind to give out as much love as I used to give before. So I thought, “if this person could understand that I’m chronically depressed, they’d love me enough for both of us”. Apparently, it does take two people to tango and I can still let them know that I love them with my words and actions, while battling suicidal ideations. I’m not the best multitasker, so as you may have guessed, that didn’t go well. But I have learned from it, and I’ll try to be a better partner, within my mental capacity and hope that it is enough. I hope my love is enough.
When it comes to friendships, I feel like I completely lucked out. Let’s start with this. At the beginning of the year, we were all grieving. We lost a piece of our hearts, and till now, we haven’t filled it up. I don’t think we ever will. But, we had to find solace in each other. The week our friend died, two of my friends who hadn’t spoken to each other in years because of a fight, were holding hands and laughing together. I cried that night, because even in death, W was the type of person to join people together. We all needed each other, and I must say we did the best we can. And we had fun. Picnics, games, more picnics and games, night walks, sleepovers, video calls. Now more than ever, we value each other. I also met the most amazing people on Twitter within 2022 to this very moment. I am not really one for intentionally making friends because of anxiety, but these women made it so easy. It felt like I had found the friends I so desperately needed as a child. The kind of friends people grow old with. Ayotunde also made me his PA since I’ve been begging him in 2021. Now, i know i’m doing a terrible job at PA-ing, but I hope he doesn’t fire me. If he does, that would be bad. As far as friendships go, i’m deeply in love with all my friends. I don’t have a lot, but my heart is filled with so much love for them. I hope I live long enough to tell them every day.
LOSS
One thing I didn’t see coming was the losses this year dumped on my head. I think it’s safe to say I experienced losses in so many forms, through death, money, jobs, privileges, faith, and a bunch of other things I may not remember. But what no one told me was, as terrible as it is losing someone to death, losing someone while they’re still alive hurts just as much. I like to believe I haven’t completely lost someone important yet, but I did take them for granted, so much that it led to me being stranded. But it does feel like a loss regardless, because all of the events that led up to this point could have been avoided. With death, there’s only so much you can do. But with personal relationships with people, you have to do the best you possibly can. Actions do have consequences, and even the lack of it. So, if you’re seeing this, friend, I want you to know how sorry I am. Your feelings are very valid, but I never meant to hurt you. I don’t want to possibly lose you, but if that happens, you were like heaven to me. I only wish I let you know that more often.
MENTAL DISORDER(S)
I have always struggled mentally, for as long as i could remember. I just thought I was overly dramatic and I was looking for attention. Back in 2020, during the Covid break and strike, my WhatsApp contacts were genuinely worried for me because I was posting very suicidal thoughts and how I was always sad and lacked love. I thought it was probably because I was single and bored, but it took me years to realize it was more than that.
The first mistake is thinking nothing is wrong with you. Something was most definitely wrong with me, I just couldn’t pinpoint what it was back then. Years later, I realized being stuck at home for months with practically the same routine would do a number on your brain. We were basically locked in, and also poor so that didn’t really help matters. But I was actively losing my mind.
Eventually, I got better and I learned how to manage my thoughts. I compartmentalized my feelings and I only let them out when I felt way too overwhelmed, and you’re reading the work of someone who is always overwhelmed. If you have been following me since 2021, you’d know that I wrote like a maniac. Sometimes, I could publish three articles in two days, and people would eat it up and beg for more, so I just ended up trauma dumping on all my articles and everyone thought I was some deep, melancholic girl, but also talented. Until I just stopped.
I didn’t run out of shit to write, my brain could not just bring itself to do what it could do best. I was devastated because writing kept me sane, and being praised for my writing made me feel like I was doing something right. I was upset at myself for all the unfinished drafts, but you know what they say, out of sight is out of mind. I deleted my medium and nobody had to remind me that I used to be great. I told myself I’d write again whenever I was ready.
Like I said earlier, this year altered my brain chemistry. Things that I thought I had gotten rid of, started coming back in full force. I didn’t want to do anything. I couldn’t, even if I tried. To take a shower was and is still a chore, I avoided stepping out. I couldn’t focus on any job I got, and whenever I felt overwhelmed and my brain just couldn’t pick anything up to do, I’d disappear. I hated myself for it, but I couldn’t stop. I hated myself for being “lazy”, or so I thought. Until I read about ADHD and everything suddenly made a lot of sense.
First, I was in denial, because worduyumin ADHD? I thought it only affected boys because of that one misleading Joyner Lucas song, but then I knew someone who recently got diagnosed of ADHD. I didn’t know how to approach her because I didn’t want anybody to think I was making excuses for my bad behavior by self diagnosing, but I read some of her articles on medium. Her name is Fejiro if you want to do some reading. I also read a lot of online resources from health professionals and took a lot of online tests, and the more I dug into the rabbit hole of ADHD, the more apparent it was that I had the thing. But I still couldn’t say anything because even till now, there are people who don’t believe me, but by the grace of god, I’ll be getting my official diagnosis by next week and I will put all of my haters to shame.
It’s funny because in 2020, I thought I was just bipolar. I also thought I was clinically depressed and I had social anxiety. Turns out folks, that I am actually depressed and I have anxiety. I was definitely wrong about the BPD, but I have a piece of advice. If you believe something is wrong with you, physically or mentally, especially mentally, chances are you’re not overthinking it and you may be right. The healthcare system in this country is the worst. They killed my friend out of negligence, so imagine what the mental health sector would look like. But if you do have the resources, please get yourself checked. And if you don’t, the internet is free. There are reliable sources and applications that can answer any questions you have, and you can speak to people who you think share similar experiences with you. The world wasn’t built to accommodate people like us, so finding a community where you can learn and share is one of the best things that could happen. This is me, in my truest form; ✨insane✨. I like to believe that no one can survive in this world without some craziness, and as much as it hurts to not have a fully functional brain, there isn’t much I can do about it except to accept my madness and go about my day.
So, there you have it, my year in a very long nutshell. I can not promise to write more next year, because I don’t know how long I have to live (i might be tripping but I’ve been feeling this sense of doom for a while now), but if I survive 2023, and months to come, I would write a few more times. I do hope that my words have been able to resonate with you in the past and now. I’m glad I could help you feel joy, sadness and every emotion in between. I am beyond grateful, and I hope life gives me the chance to write to you again.
Stay alive, and have a wonderful Christmas and New Year. I know I won’t.
With love.
