On most days, I don’t know what to do with my thoughts.
I have always found great pride and comfort in expressing my feelings. It held much importance to me because in a world where logicality is supposed to be superior to emotion, I chose emotion. I feel things too deeply, and it’s one of the reasons why I write, because sometimes, emotions can get too overwhelming and I get tired of crying. So I just yap.
But today, and for a while, i’ve been plagued with too many emotions and nothing to do with them. I can not, for the life of me, remember the last time I genuinely cried because I was overwhelmed. The tears find their way out when I see something cute on tiktok, and recently when I watched Little Women. But I have lost the power to will my tears. These thoughts, these emotions, they’re just here, piling up like my bag of laundry, but I don’t know what to do with them. I could talk about it, but I like to believe I am disgustingly alone in this world, which I know am not, but it is easy to feel so alone in the midst of people, plagued with thoughts even I struggle to comprehend. So I am here, writing, as my final resort.
Side note : Is it resort or result?
For the benefit of doubt, I believe I owe it to you the things I feel right now. I wish I could go into detail, but I have an exam to prepare for, a migraine to treat and a heart to tend to.
Today, I am angry. I like to tell myself I am not easily angered, which is not false, but I have been angry about a particular incident for a while. Regret complements the rage I feel, as well as disappointment, in myself. Today, i’m sad and lonely, but also nervous or excited. Lately, my heart has been acting funny, and I love it as much as I do not. Today, like every other day, I feel less than enough. Inferior. Today, I feel really guilty. And I wish I could sit on the floor and cry it all out, or talk to someone that might understand, but there are nastier demons to face.
Bonus side note : My period is starting this week so you’re well within your rights to not take me serious.
